if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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