mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
