I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
