I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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