my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
