dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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