I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
is that a dick in a sweater?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
