dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You made out with two different species that night
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
