You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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