So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
