I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
