the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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