just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
