Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He felt like a one man threesome
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
