I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
