According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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