The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
