I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
