I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
