If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
