very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
