I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
