i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
