chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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