i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
