Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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