They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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