I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize