I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
