Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
