Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
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My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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