wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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