The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
