how can u be prego again
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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