I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
