went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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