i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You made out with two different species that night
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
