sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
