Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
