i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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