I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
