the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
