Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
