I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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