Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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