So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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