I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
