I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
