That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
