How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I need water and some morals
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
