I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
