I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
