I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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