someone get that fucking seahorse.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
