Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
