you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
