I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
